je suis Esquimaude

It's the end of the year and I'm a walking cliche so I had to do it.
Here's an overview of 2005.
January

I welcomed 2005 in my trashbag style. Spent most of the night in the toilets and was completely fucked. It all looked as though my trashbag reputation might continue for a while. I also got a new flatmate after three months of solitude. Princess moved in mid January with all her friends rather concerned that I might end up corrupting her and turning her into a trashbag. The unfortunate encounter with fuckface combined with Princess's good influence, I was able to put a stop to it all, and decided to get my act together. Went back to work after the festive season feeling refreshed and with great enthusiasm.
February

The enthusiasm for work didn't last as long as hoped and the newly found sobriety was too hard to take. Insomnia kicked in again and had to find a solution. I decided to get baked every night in order to help me sleep and relax. This also turned outo be a bit of a disaster, so had to stop. Finally realised, I had to put a stop this as well and face the challenge and get my act together.
Went to see several doctors about my sad ovaries and the only solution they had for me was to put me back on the pills. When I voiced my concerns of weight gain and mood swings, the doctor who was charging me an arm and a leg replied with, "there is no scientific proof which links weight gain and depression with the pill". This turned out to be the biggest lie of the year
March

Trashbag lifestyle finally stopped and started to make progress. .
April

Highlight of this month was my birthday bash, "lulu titou's porn fest". The house was well decorated with the pashing room and the swingers room getting a bit of action. Surprisingly, almost everyone dressed up, and we had everything from a nurse to a guru. I even managed not to pass out.
On the other hand, the pill was causing havoc in my life and had to stop. I had gained a fair bit of weight and the mood swings were happening too frequently. I went and saw a different doctor who also charged me an arm and a leg and she told me that there was nothing else to do if I didn't want to go on the pill. She also suggested to stop smoking, drink less and excercise more. The prospect of the first two were too scary so I decided to start excercising. One out of three isn't too bad.
I also decided I needed a holiday, and I took this opportunity to kill two birds with one stone and booked a trip to Glasgow. It was time I sorted things out with DK and see Scotland while I had friends over there who could provide free accommdation.
May

Immigration Officer (IO): What is the purpose of your visit?
Penguin (P): Do you want to know the real reason?
IO: (looking concerned) yes
P: I'm here to break up with my on again off again boyfriend and discover Scotland.
IO: (looking amused) Good luck
P: Thanks.
Yes, I went to Scotland with a mission of ending it all with DK.(OK, I'll be honest, I did want one last shag as well) The accommodation arrangement had fallen through and I was to stay with DK, Bro and their flatmates. I hired a car and spent a lot of time on my own driving through Scotland, which made me fall in love with the country. I started off in Glasgow, then to Edinburgh and drove through the highlands to Isle of Skye. When I got back to Glasgow the three of us went to Isle of Arran. I also crossed the Chanel to visit friends in Paris. The last weekend in Glasgow, I had a rather dramatic plan to end it all with DK. I had written him a postcard which I strategically placed in his bedroom, which he'd find after my departure on our way back from our last hoorah trip to Loch Lomond.Things didn't go quite as planned and I ended up staying an extra night in Glasgow,(had to rush into his room to hide the postcard)and this is how black smoke white smoke came about. Left Glasgow the following day feeling a bit anxious and joined Bro in London. Had a bit too many and nearly chewed my lip off. By the time I got on the plane with my mission neither completed nor failed, I was a wreck, and my botox botched looking bottom lip caused much intrigue and discomfort to the general public. The word I scribbled in my diary as the plane landed into Kingsford Smith was "crap"
The rest of the month was spent wondering,waiting and working. With the arrivl of the new boss, my working life was becoming worse.
June

The result of black smoke white smoke came in. As we all know, it was white smoke and I was going to Glasgow to join DK. I went through all the emtions, excitment, anxiety, concern and at times I questioned my decision. This, however, didn't stop me from booking my ticket the following week and handing in my resignation.
I worked out a lot, ate sensibly and even managed to cut down on smoking. My life seemed to be going very well, and for the first time in a very long time, I felt happy.

July
In order to save money, I moved back home. This had the potential to be the disaster of the year given the turbulent relationship I have with my parents but thankfully, they were going overseas and I only had three weeks with them. It was nice to be pampered but three weeks were definitely more than enough.
July sort of disappeared, work was even more tiring now that I lived so far and my new boss was still making my life very unpleasant. I had grave doubts about my teaching skills as I could not work with the new textbooks my school had introduced.
My health became my priority and I went to the gym a lot and I think I even cut down on drinking.
This was also the month when I discovered ebay and found some true bargains.
I also went to M's wedding, one of very few people from school I keep in touch with. Her wedding was in Singleton, and I had to come back to Sydney that night so I couldn't even drink myself silly. It was weird seeing a school friend getting married and even weirder to find out that there are many more from school who are already married.
I also went down to Jervis Bay for a weekend, and then there was something else which I can't remember. It was a hectic month filled with guilt as I couldn't spend as much time as I wanted with my family. (who would have thought I'd ever feel guilty for not spending enough time with my family? This really has been a bizarre year)

August
With my parents gone, I devoted a lot of time to my sister and my nephew. I went to gazillion one year old's birthday parties and even took my nephew to the park.(no biggie i hear you say, well it was a big bloody deal for both of us)
Not having much time left in Sydney, I tried to make a list of things I wanted to do before my departure but never made the list therefore didn't actually do anything I wanted to do before I left. Oh well, shit happens.
August was also my nephew's second birthday and unlike the previous one, I was sober and coherent.
I started to wind down at my job, doing as little as possible, crossing off each day. Was I excited? By this stage, I was over being excited. I had peaked too early and was jack of counting down. I wanted to leave a.s.a.p.

September
September was filled with farewell gatherings/soirees. Trying to see everyone and get everything done and working full time was a challenge but it was a lot of fun. Most nights, I had people to see and I'm ashamed to admit, a lot of drink driving......
I was having so much fun, I was almost regretting my decision to leave Sydnye. Didn't last very long.
This was also the month, I lost my camera, which I don't think I'm over yet.....
The last couple of weeks in Sydney were filled with mischief, wine, friends and tears. I thank all of you who made it a special fortnight which I probably won't forget for a while.
The second half of September was spent in Seoul, where I was pressured to stay for the wedding. I have a rule in life, where I can only attend one wedding a year. That is the rule. I don't care who it is, if I've been to a wedding, I cannot go to another till the following year. So I refused.
The ten days I had in Seoul were interesting enough but I just needed to reach my final destination and get on with my new life and there was nothing, not even a family wedding, which was going to stop me from getting there on schedule. So I won the battle and jumped on the plane for the reunion I had been waiting for so long.

October
Spent the month looking for a flat, and moving in to the new flat. It rained practically the whole month which didn't help the morale. It was a depressing month where the idea of returning home to my old job was very appealing, but stayed on because things with DK were fine. By the end of the month, I had found a part time job at the bullshit cafe and things started to look brighter.

November
That bright light lost its power and everything was still shit. Hated the cafe job and my ego was greatly bruised after receiving all those rejection letters.
The highlight of the month was going to France at the end. Should have stayed there. Oh that's right, I don't have a bloody EU passport.

December
Glasgow seemed even more depressing after our little trip to France. Walked out of my cafe job and now I cut and paste for eight hours a day. It's better than the cafe job even if no one talks to me.
Off to Lancaster for NYE.

What a year it has been. Je sais pas quoi dire. J'ai commence l'an un peu perdue. J'ai trouve mon chemin and j'ai commence de vivre un peu. C'est vrai que j'ai pas bien aime mon boulot mais c'etait un boulot qui m'a donne la stabilite. J'ai tout quitte pour l'amour, a commencer une nouvelle vie. Mais, cette sallope est rentree et elle m'en merde. J'en ai marre de cet histoire.

Hi folks,
I am going to be arrogant and presume that you will all be sending me text messages in your alcohol and drug fuelled stupor over the next couple of days depending on where you are located. I do not have any credit left on my phone and will not be recharing it for a while. Do not be offended, my dear friends, when I do not reply. I will, however, be sending you a personalised telepathic messages to all of you and it will go something like this:
Hello (insert name),
WOW! Thanks for the message, it's nowhere near new year's eve over here but I am sure I will have a good one. From the incoherent text you have just sent me, I can tell you are having a lot of fun. I, too, wish you a happy new year and all the rest.
And when it is my turn, eleven hours later, I will be cursing myself for not chraging my phone.
Have a good one!

Thank god Christmas is over........
My Christmas was a small quiet one. Stayed in the flat and watched a lot of crappy tv. Boxing day, ditto. Now I have a week off with no money and nothing to do. Bring it on!

I started my new job last week. As I expected, it's a shit boring job. I cut and paste for eight hours and I leave.(RSI is inevitable) On my first day, I was trained for about an hour where they were amazed that I actually knew how to cut and paste.(what's going on there?) It took me about five minutes to figure out how to do my job. I'm not saying this to prove how good I am, au contraire!I say it to prove how fuckn easy and boring my job is. ON THE OTHER HAND, this is the first job I've ever had where I don't have to speak to anyone unless I want to and I don't have to move unless I have to, which has its advantages. I don't have to bust anyone, or make sure anyone is listening to me and I don't have to walk around pretending I care whether or not someone is learning something from my class.
I have also learnt that being a temp isn't very easy. For example, because you are a temp,you become invisible. No one bothers to talk to you, no one even bothers to say hi to you. I tried to make conversaiton, but it goes no where, I've had two low moments so far.
Moment one was on my second day, when the whole office was talking about having drinks after work at the office. I was not invited.
Moment two was my third day, when a group of my co-workers talked about me in front of me as though I didn't exist. Choice bro, choice.
The worst thing about this job is that I come home and I don't want to sit in front of the computer. The bloggin might be a bit more sproadic. And my shoulder is fuckn killing me.......
I'll write more tomoz and report on my 'team'.

I woke up relatively late today around ten having four things on my things to do list. They were:
1) finish packing up the bike(another story)
2) find a job
3) clean the house
4) do some washing
As you can see, another excting day was waiting for me. Alas, a phone call, it's the agency. They have a job for me starting tomorrow!Hoorah!!!! I arrange a meeting with the woman and I get off the phone to get ready to see this woman whose name I have already forgotten. Hop in the shower, get dressed, put on my shoes and I was running around a bit as I had to get there asap. A loud bang on the door, I looked out the peephole and a man in his forties is standing there and I open the door and the following conversation took place
Man(in the poshest Britsih accent imaginable): Are you completely stupid or are you just taking the piss?
Penguin: I'm sorry?
M: What do you think you are doing running around wearing shoes? You don't have carpet, this isn't a playground and I'm trying to sleep!
P: I'm sorry I didn't realise I was making such noise
M: For god's sake etc etc
P: I'm really sorry, I'll try to be quieter
And as I closed the door his parting words were somthing like how I should know better than to wear shoes being Japanese etc. Very mature. If I had the time and the energy, I could have sunk to his lowest of the lowest level and asked what he was doing sleeping at 1030 in the morning and what else did he want from me since I had already apologised like three times? And I could have mentioned something about getting his ethnic group right and tell him how being British he could be a bit more polite but couldn't be bothered, Like whatever dickhead.
Anyway, although a bit troubled by the conversation, I set off to my appointment at the agency. When I got off the tube another message on the phone. The job they had lined up for me is no longer avaliable. AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HOWEVER, there is another job starting on Thursday at Skypark, which is like 500metres down the road from the bullshit cafe. Damn!
The guy who left the message on the phone spoke so fast and I didn't catch his name and he gave me the wrong phone number so I just turned up to meet the guy. I was sure he said 'Ben' but his name was Spencer. He went through the job, it didn't sound too challenging, a general office admin job 9-5 or 530 and asked if I would be interested. I thought about it for a moment, if I take this job, this would mean I would no longer be able to watch negihbours but on the other hand, I would have my sanity back. Neighbours or sanity? Neighbours, sanity, neighbours,sanity........Oh what the hell, I'll take the job! HOORAH!!!! The pay is slightly better than the bullshit cafe job at £6/hr and it'll be full time. As you can imagine, I am very happy. I know that life as a temp isn't exactly fun, everyone knows you are a temp and no one will bother talking to you or anything like that but hey at least I'll have something to do everyday which is a bit more meaningful than putting the cheese in the right order in a bloody sandwich.
To celebrate, I have bought an iron to iron all my work shirts which have been gathering dust since I left home.(No, this isn't the way I would normally celebrate but I need an iron and have been waiting for an excuse to buy one) I never thought I'd say this, but gees I'm happy I get to wear my work clothes again!
I just have to find a way to my new work avoiding my old work somehow..........

I have not been myself. I have been crying a lot and generally feeling low about life. DK gets a bit worried and asks me what the matter is and I reply 'I don't know'. I don't do this to play games with him or to piss him off, I say it becasue quite simply, I don't know what is wrong with me, I have been feeling worthless for a while not being able to get a job and all but it isn't simply because I can't get a job of my dreams but it is because I cannot get a job. Once I realised there were no teaching positions going in Glasgow and its surrouding cities, I went for office jobs. I did apply for a few office jobs which were out of my league but I also applied for basic temp admin jobs which I know I am capable of doing. I guess it's because I have never been unemployed. I have always had a job and have been more or less independent for a while now. I have always felt competent and capable of doing anything that was put in front of me and most of the time, I was able to do my job with little trouble. I proved my worth if you like. There was a point to waking up in the morning, I had a purpose. I was able to do things my way and able to have wishes and desires. Now I feel as though I have no purpose. I just feel like a burden to all, DK especially. I realise that we would have very little money in January or till I get a job. I realise this means it would slow down the savings and could possibly postpone our move to Paris and I wish I could do something about it. I wish I could go to work everyday and earn money. I have been wanting to do this ever since I got to this bloody city. I also know it is not easy to find a job in a new city especially when you are on a working holiday visa. I know all this, and I never dreamt it would be easy. I am fuckn frustrated and I can't help but think I've screwed up and that is one of the reasons why I am upset. I just need to figure out the other reasons.
I'd be lying if I said, I didn't think about returning home. I have many times. But I can't return home. I'll be in the same boat except worse than here. I'd return home feling like an absolute failure for not being able to hold on. I would not be able to find a job except for the dungeon and I'll be even more depressed and of course DK won't be there.
I sometimes think that maybe it'd be better if I died but than that's just plain stupid isn't it.
I went to three temp agencies today. They've all told me that it's the quiet time of the year. When is it not a quiet time of the year in this city huh???????
I fuckn hate my life at the moment and I don't quite know how to get out of this spiral I've got myself into. I want to get out of it and be happy etc but I just can't seem to get out of it. I want to be comforted, I want to be told that it'll all be ok and eventually I will find something. I want people to stop telling me that I don't have enough admin experience or that it's the quiet time of the year,
I want to feel like I'm worth something again, that I am not a loser but a person who is capable of doing anything and everything.
Fuckn hell

I'm back from my wee holiday in France which I absolutely adored but will do an update on that another time.
The biggest news is I walked out of my bullsiht cafe job yesterday. The boss was being an absolute asshole and I just thought, sod it. I might be willing to put up with shitty jobs but I'm not going to put up with people abusing me because they can't control their temper. I'm also not going to put up with people treating me like an idiot just becasue I got a job at a cafe. I also reliased that this job was making me feel worthless and wasn't doing much good for my mental state. So no more Poz and Sour face and incomprehensible boy. No more sleazy regulars calling me 'love' or 'darling' and trying to grab me or telling me that they love me (bbrrrrhhhh). Hoorah!
On the other hand, I am a bit worried about my finances and I hope I'll be able to find something when I go to recruiting agencies tomorrow.......shiiiiiiit.