I have not been myself. I have been crying a lot and generally feeling low about life. DK gets a bit worried and asks me what the matter is and I reply 'I don't know'. I don't do this to play games with him or to piss him off, I say it becasue quite simply, I don't know what is wrong with me, I have been feeling worthless for a while not being able to get a job and all but it isn't simply because I can't get a job of my dreams but it is because I cannot get a job. Once I realised there were no teaching positions going in Glasgow and its surrouding cities, I went for office jobs. I did apply for a few office jobs which were out of my league but I also applied for basic temp admin jobs which I know I am capable of doing. I guess it's because I have never been unemployed. I have always had a job and have been more or less independent for a while now. I have always felt competent and capable of doing anything that was put in front of me and most of the time, I was able to do my job with little trouble. I proved my worth if you like. There was a point to waking up in the morning, I had a purpose. I was able to do things my way and able to have wishes and desires. Now I feel as though I have no purpose. I just feel like a burden to all, DK especially. I realise that we would have very little money in January or till I get a job. I realise this means it would slow down the savings and could possibly postpone our move to Paris and I wish I could do something about it. I wish I could go to work everyday and earn money. I have been wanting to do this ever since I got to this bloody city. I also know it is not easy to find a job in a new city especially when you are on a working holiday visa. I know all this, and I never dreamt it would be easy. I am fuckn frustrated and I can't help but think I've screwed up and that is one of the reasons why I am upset. I just need to figure out the other reasons.
I'd be lying if I said, I didn't think about returning home. I have many times. But I can't return home. I'll be in the same boat except worse than here. I'd return home feling like an absolute failure for not being able to hold on. I would not be able to find a job except for the dungeon and I'll be even more depressed and of course DK won't be there.
I sometimes think that maybe it'd be better if I died but than that's just plain stupid isn't it.
I went to three temp agencies today. They've all told me that it's the quiet time of the year. When is it not a quiet time of the year in this city huh???????
I fuckn hate my life at the moment and I don't quite know how to get out of this spiral I've got myself into. I want to get out of it and be happy etc but I just can't seem to get out of it. I want to be comforted, I want to be told that it'll all be ok and eventually I will find something. I want people to stop telling me that I don't have enough admin experience or that it's the quiet time of the year,
I want to feel like I'm worth something again, that I am not a loser but a person who is capable of doing anything and everything.
Fuckn hell